I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
