ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
