My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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