How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
