I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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