my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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