She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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