Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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