1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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