someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
