Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
