Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
