just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
