i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
