Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
