I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
