I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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