It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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