My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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