how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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