Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
