Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
