My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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