Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize