i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
