And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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