I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
