I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
