he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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