i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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