I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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