What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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