my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
