Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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