I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
