I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
