I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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