I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
