currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
