I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
