Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
