I love how my cats smell like pot.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
