Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
