sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I did not marry a roomba.
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