So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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