Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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