How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have already put on my inside pants.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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