I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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