I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
