the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
