My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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