You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
