I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
