my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
