There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
