I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
