Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
